Heard a good one lately

Dear Abby,

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and a great education. When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.

I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do?

Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks, A Fisherman

P. S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

**********************************************************************

Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

Abby

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

CarolinaHound wrote:

Sam and the two Bass
that we caught that day.

you said you were going to take up golf after one of my golf jokes, now you have me interested in taking up fishing

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives! Some doctor on the TV this
morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and
hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of
vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and
Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr
hwo frikin gud I fel.


Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

that's hysterical.

HotParadox wrote:that's hysterical.

give that person a medal. it will put a smile on anyones face that reads it.

what's the difference between a sorority and and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

One's a phony buck....

wha'ts the difference Smart dwarves and a women's track team?

one is cunning runts.....

What's the difference between a Catholic nun...and a bathing prostitute....

One has hope in her soul....


ok i quit

par84forme wrote:what's the difference between a sorority and and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

One's a phony buck....

wha'ts the difference Smart dwarves and a women's track team?

one is cunning runts.....

ok i quit

Sorry but ya totally lost me here with this one.

Old Timer wrote:

par84forme wrote:what's the difference between a sorority and and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?

One's a phony buck....

wha'ts the difference Smart dwarves and a women's track team?

one is cunning runts.....

ok i quit

Sorry but ya totally lost me here with this one.

Switch the letters around OT.

I thought they were genious. Thanks Par.

Big Slick wrote:

Switch the letters around OT.

I thought they were genious. Thanks Par.

they were crude but clever

they were crude.

HotParadox wrote:they were crude.

oh well, 1 out of 2, batting .500 will get you in the hall of fame ( unless you fail a test for banned substances )

par84forme wrote:

HotParadox wrote:they were crude.

oh well, 1 out of 2, batting .500 will get you in the hall of fame ( unless you fail a test for banned substances )

i should have said, unless you fail a test for steroids like all the red sox players - right hp?

There is a much faster way to transfer funds today than the electronic banking system.

It is called marriage.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

The Cat in the Hat on Aging

I cannot see
I cannot Pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, What can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden years
have come at last
The Golden years
can kiss my ass.

par84forme wrote:The Cat in the Hat on Aging

I cannot see
I cannot Pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, What can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden years
have come at last
The Golden years
can kiss my ass.

See, and all this time you guys thought I was having fun being an OT

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?’

The girl said, “NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Qi123 wrote:Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?’

The girl said, “NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Now that is my kind of story. A story with a happy ending.

I don't know about any of you but I am a red neck for sure. OT

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.




You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'


You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.



?

Keep the fire burning, redneck friend.
IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM .
IN GOD WE TRUST

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn`t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I`ve farted at least 20 times since I`ve been here in your office. You didn`t know I was farting because they don`t smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don`t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... Although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!! Now that we`ve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing..."

*A Well-Planned Retirement*
*From The London Times:*

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150
cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant carrying a ticket machine
charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed
by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had
been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at A£400 (about $560) per
day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this
amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name

par84forme wrote:I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives! Some doctor on the TV this
morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and
hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of
vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and
Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr
hwo frikin gud I fel.


Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

sounds to me like all of dose bozzles god due bast 'f yyyyeeeerrrsss.

bust of yerrrrrsss.

It's always intereting to wake up in the morning and look into the mirror to see someone you didn't see the day before...

This is pretty funny! Don't do #6! Enjoy!



You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!
ONE recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. �Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIXwas in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise I control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer.....’
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Thank you... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use.....

posted in a local Savannah paper:


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.


You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings...
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought my self and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van's Go Go, along with all of the cash in your wallet.



I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver’s side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.


I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really ticked and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).


I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.


- Alex -

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

Subject: Long Ago

One day, long, long ago,
there lived a woman who
did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago,
and it was just that one day.

The End

Musta been a short day.

LA COMPUTER OR EL COMPUTER?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is
masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are Supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem. and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

And so we have... el computer!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her
tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and
my wife walked in.....

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .

and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!!!!!!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So, I look down at him and said , "Well, which one are you then????"

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor!

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You "white" folks . .
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all callin' C O L O R E D folks?

"Hi honey, This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Yes I do, he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screamin. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh no!!! What about your uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***




Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?...Is this 786-5731?"


No sir. This is 786-5371

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Chinese. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health."

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."