Heard a good one lately

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:37 pm

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:10 pm

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill

Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes ! down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

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The Old Poodle

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:36 pm

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:45 pm

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport in Bozeman, Montana,
awaiting their flights. One is a Sioux Indian from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a rodeo. The third is a fundamentalist
Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University. Their discussion
drifts to their cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a
devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The
cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a table and tips his
sweat-stained hat over his face. After a long silence, the Indian clears his
throat and speaks, "At one time, my people were many, but sadly, now we are
few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my
people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that
is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we
ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin'."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:26 pm

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega department
store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yes,
Sir. I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:45 pm

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:50 pm

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern,
The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very same tavern
where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.
"Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can doit
for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and
having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers
having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man
drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old
man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about
forty minutes'. She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned something about life that he
didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was something else, you must have
been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have
had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says, " fifty years ago that damn
fence wasn't electric."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 3:09 pm

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!, "he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It
was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in
the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was
Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who
put the Friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's
water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.



"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Mon Jun 29, 2009 4:17 pm

CarolinaHound's new pickup

One clear day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy CarolinaHound driving a brand new pickup.

CarolinaHound pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Dawg, where'd you get that truck?!?"

Bobby Sue gave it to me" he replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.

We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'CarolinaHound, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Dawg, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you".

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:47 pm

Cat and Mice in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:13 pm

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:32 am

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO..

FINE. THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED..

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:16 pm

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?''

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for flat tires, headlights and running boards,you might as well gas up!"
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Why I changed hotels....

Post by CarolinaHound on Sat Jul 25, 2009 2:51 pm

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!


I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:09 pm

THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A GOOD ENDING HERE.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:11 pm

Old Timer wrote:THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A GOOD ENDING HERE.

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Man I hope those are going to a site and not coming from one. ewwww....

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:02 am

Time to replace your "W" sticker

It is time to get rid of those "W" bumper stickers you've seen for the past 8 years. That administration is done.

The election is over. Get past it. Get used to the idea of a new president and the new administration!!

Here's the bumper sticker you'll need for at least 4 years.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Aug 08, 2009 11:50 am

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
>
> While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program
> with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.
>
> I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you
> need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
> A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of
> you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood
> pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young
> people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
>
> So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4
> bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of
> course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof
> over your head and all the health care you need!!!
>
> New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee,
> kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of
> this. The same government that just told you that you are too
> old for health care.
>
> And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
> tax.
>
> I really think we have a Perfect Solution. :-)

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by coontie on Sat Aug 08, 2009 12:57 pm

Old Timer wrote:The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
>
> While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program
> with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.
>
> I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you
> need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
> A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of
> you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood
> pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young
> people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
>
> So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4
> bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of
> course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof
> over your head and all the health care you need!!!
>
> New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee,
> kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of
> this. The same government that just told you that you are too
> old for health care.
>
> And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
> tax.
>
> I really think we have a Perfect Solution. :-)

Again, I've commented to my wife that it is amazing that all we several million U.S. citizens can arrive at any consenus at all, given our bent for only caring about ourselves and therefore complicating and stone-walling otherwise simple and needed social cirucmstances. Expecially when virtually ALL wll benefit, even the gripers, nay sayers and obstructionous...
There are those that have a contrary solution, or claim they do, but prove not worth a hill of beans. Then there are those that lack any meaures of common sense but yet say they have a better idea. But when attention is turned to them, they say nothing and just provide a silent "moon-eyed" stare.
And I see all of these people out there, such a Pat BUchannan, who strikes me as a professional spoiler and ney-sayer. always putting down, criticizing everything and everyone else, but has obviously never done or accomplished any thing respectable, contsructable or worthwhile in their life, in regard to really caring or helping the public. Russ "Limburger~cheese" is in the same category. Only he is nothing more than a frustrated professional hate monger and moron! He will eventually meet a not very good demise, as we shall see.
NOne of the B******s have ever ran for public office. Because they know that people would run for the exits.


Last edited by coontie on Sat Aug 08, 2009 4:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Aug 08, 2009 1:19 pm

coontie wrote:
Old Timer wrote:The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
>
> While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program
> with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.
>
> I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you
> need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
> A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of
> you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood
> pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young
> people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
>
> So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4
> bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of
> course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof
> over your head and all the health care you need!!!
>
> New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee,
> kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of
> this. The same government that just told you that you are too
> old for health care.
>
> And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
> tax.
>
> I really think we have a Perfect Solution. :-)

Again, I've commented to my wife that it is amazing that all we several million U.S. citizens can arrive at any consenus at all, give our bent for only caring oabout ourselves and therefore complicating and stone-walling otherwise simple and needed social cirucmstyances. Expecially when virtually ALL wll benefit, even the gripers, nay sayers and obstructionouse...
There are those that have a contrary solution, or claim they do, but are not worth a hill of beans. Than there are those that lack any meacures of common sense but yet say they have a better idea. But when attemtion is turned to them, they say nothing and just provide a silen "moon-eyed" stare.
And I see all of tehse people out there, such a Pat BUchannan, who strikes me as a professional spoiler and ney-sayer. always putting down, criticizing everything and everyone else, but has obviously never done or accomplished any thins resepctable, contsructable in thier life. Russ "Limburger~cheese" is in the same category. Only he is nothing more than a frustrated professional hate monger.
NOne of the B******s have ever ran for public office. Because they know that people would run for the exits.

And not to mention the fact that they would be exposing themselves to the entire nation for the scumbags that they really are and they know that there is not a chance in heck that they would get elected.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:58 pm

Most Unusual Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand it. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:05 pm

My Latest TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had; an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your
pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the
day.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:22 pm

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."




The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:35 pm

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange .................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're @$$-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:18 pm

A husband walks into a Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs , put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says "Good grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Oct 01, 2009 7:25 pm

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum foe the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Concsiousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate now!

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; Do yo want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because MAD COW DISEASE was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Thu Oct 01, 2009 9:18 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum foe the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Concsiousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate now!

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; Do yo want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because MAD COW DISEASE was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
these are awesome!!!

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Beer by 7 year olds

Post by par84forme on Fri Oct 02, 2009 1:50 pm

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old


'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old


'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old


''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old


'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old


'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old


'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old


'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old


'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Oct 02, 2009 3:29 pm

par84forme wrote:A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old


'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old


'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old


''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old


'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old


'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old


'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old


'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old


'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

pretty sad. poor children.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Oct 02, 2009 4:34 pm

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:33 pm

oh that's cute!!!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Oct 09, 2009 5:30 pm

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:11 pm

I thought I heard a good one this morning, but come to find out... He really did get the nobel prize.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:14 pm

par84forme wrote:Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I miss-read that. Thought it was something else. Dang it. Very Happy tongue

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:15 pm

CarolinaHound wrote:I thought I heard a good one this morning, but come to find out... He really did get the nobel prize.

It was announced today that Barrack Obama has won the 2009 MLB Cy Young award for throwing out the first pitch at the All Star Game. He was a finalist before he actually made the pitch, the committee has announced. Tune in tomorrow to see if he brings home the MVP for his efforts.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:21 pm

It wouldn't surprise me anymore.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Oct 09, 2009 7:00 pm

CarolinaHound wrote:I thought I heard a good one this morning, but come to find out... He really did get the nobel prize.
That's hysterical Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Fri Oct 09, 2009 8:40 pm

HotParadox wrote:
CarolinaHound wrote:I thought I heard a good one this morning, but come to find out... He really did get the nobel prize.
That's hysterical Very Happy

That is the first time that I heard of them giving i to someone who has done nothing.

Stop the planet. I think I want off.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:41 pm

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:58 pm

Something similar to this has already been posted but I got this email today and could not resist.....

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

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