Heard a good one lately

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Fri Oct 16, 2009 2:32 pm

par84forme wrote:Something similar to this has already been posted but I got this email today and could not resist.....

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Well having been in school from the begionning I can honestly say what you have posted here is the truth. And the funny thing is that it really isn't funny when you actually think about it.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue Oct 27, 2009 8:44 pm

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
Hunting Flies" He responded.
Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue Oct 27, 2009 8:48 pm

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:19 pm

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth for the livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:01 pm



Dear Friends,


Many of you may not realize it, but I've been very busy over the last couple of years concentrating on work and making a career for myself, but had enough time to put my thoughts and ideas together in a book.

I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information I've gained through my years of lessons, struggle and experiment.

I am very proud of the results, and to assist with marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I hope you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game much more while you enjoy the great outdoors.

The cost is only $9.95. Don't wait until they're all gone !!!!


Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt...

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap "Management".

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 AM.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round.

Chapter 10 - When Does a Divot Become Classified as Sod..

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 12 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5th Hole.

Chapter 13 - Using Curse Words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.

Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee.

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents.

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey-Three-Putt.

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.

Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $6 a Beer From the Cart Girl and Give Her a $4 Tip, but will balk at $4 a Beer at the 19th Hole and then Stiff the Bartender.

Thanking you in advance for your order


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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:36 pm


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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:34 pm

LAWYER JOKES

What do lawyers use for birth control?
- Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
- A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
- To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in the sand?
- Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
- There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
- A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
- One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
- They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
- A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
- Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
- Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crokked lawyer?
- Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold last winter... (How cold was it?)
- I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyers rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes , the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Dec 26, 2009 11:01 pm

Best I can do folks

I must be getting to old. hehehehehehehehe

Subject: Things you notice when you're older




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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:35 pm

Old Timer wrote:Best I can do folks

I must be getting to old. hehehehehehehehe

Subject: Things you notice when you're older




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Who cares about the seat belt, she's has two lovely air bags.
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:48 pm


Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Sat Jan 16, 2010 7:14 pm

Did you hear that Tiger Woods changed his first name?
He's known as Cheetah Woods now.
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sun Jan 17, 2010 4:48 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:Did you hear that Tiger Woods changed his first name?
He's known as Cheetah Woods now.
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil

Oh, that smarts.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:44 am

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's most important that these four women do not know each other

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Wed Jan 20, 2010 7:48 pm

Old Timer wrote:Five rules for men to follow for a happy life


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's most important that these four women do not know each other
That's for damn sure!!
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:18 am

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:24 am

par84forme wrote:Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Now that smarts.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Tue Feb 02, 2010 8:29 pm

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure,
I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove
even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic
camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with
the same results and was now laughing as the camera
flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks
later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:36 am

CarolinaHound wrote:I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure,
I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove
even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic
camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with
the same results and was now laughing as the camera
flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks
later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

his is probably a true story. lol!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:37 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:
Old Timer wrote:Five rules for men to follow for a happy life


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's most important that these four women do not know each other
That's for damn sure!!
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
that's hysterical!!!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:38 pm

CarolinaHound wrote:I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure,
I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove
even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic
camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with
the same results and was now laughing as the camera
flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks
later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.
i did nottt see that one coming! too funny!!!

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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Wed Feb 03, 2010 3:02 pm

HotParadox wrote:
CarolinaHound wrote:I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding
the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure,
I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove
even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic
camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with
the same results and was now laughing as the camera
flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks
later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.
i did nottt see that one coming! too funny!!!

that is because your getting old and need new glasses lol!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Feb 05, 2010 2:10 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change. One day John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours
late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.. "Several of us went to the
library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's
house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you
watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered
Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again
slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip
quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your
age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around
to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out
of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked
around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:26 pm

lol, that's sooo funny par!!!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:20 pm

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.
The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.
Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson... "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."
The moral: Life's tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid.
What'd You Think?
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue Feb 16, 2010 7:45 pm

A penis says to his balls, "I'm taking you both to a party". They reply, "you're a damn liar, you always go inside and leave us outside".
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:53 am

1923

In 1923, do you know who was:

* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 90 years later, do you know what became of these men?

* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger,the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home

In that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship. He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95... and was financially solvent at his death.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:03 pm

twisted

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:33 pm

Do you why there are no Wal-Marts in the Middle East?
There's too many Targets!
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:34 am

Husband Down
-------------------------

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:18 pm

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:14 am

CarolinaHound wrote:A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it
I am sitting here laughing my ass off!!! That is really funny!!! I just blind copied it to almost everyone of my friends, lol!!!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:27 am

"Well, the big story here in California is the California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:31 am

Night-Reaper wrote:
Old Timer wrote:Best I can do folks

I must be getting to old. hehehehehehehehe

Subject: Things you notice when you're older




Image hosted by servimg.com
Who cares about the seat belt, she's has two lovely air bags.
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
Lmao at both of you guys! Too funny!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:16 pm

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:10 pm

lol... that's a good un!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:40 pm

[quote="CarolinaHound"]lol... that's a good un!, I just love little johnnie jokes. reminds me of someone I knew in school.

[color=blue]A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:22 pm

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Do you mind if I phone a friend?”

And that’s when the fight started….
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:14 pm

par84forme wrote:My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Do you mind if I phone a friend?”

And that’s when the fight started….

So who woin???????? lol!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat Mar 20, 2010 1:44 am

A little late...but in honor of St. Patty


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So am I!! And what street did you Live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west End. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world! So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell Me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:11 pm

HotParadox wrote:
A little late...but in honor of St. Patty


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So am I!! And what street did you Live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west End. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world! So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell Me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Now this is a god one.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

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