Heard a good one lately

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Mon Apr 06, 2009 3:31 pm

Two women having a conversation, 1st woman asks, "what's the difference between a nail, screw and a bolt?"

The 2nd woman answers, "I don't know, I have never been bolted before"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Apr 07, 2009 1:35 pm

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
.
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n+ts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

This guy used a 50,000 volt job that uses two triple A batteries. I just bought a 300,000 volt job this job uses two nine volt batteries.. should be loads of fun.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Tue Apr 28, 2009 9:52 am

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:17 am

HotParadox wrote:After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

Or Dave could let Fred hit, then explain that Less is More....right HP?

don't let me get started with golf jokes
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Apr 28, 2009 12:08 pm

par84forme wrote:
HotParadox wrote:After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

Or Dave could let Fred hit, then explain that Less is More....right HP?

don't let me get started with golf jokes

You wouldn't dare Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue Apr 28, 2009 12:49 pm

Old Timer wrote:
You wouldn't dare Very Happy

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee!"- she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Tue Apr 28, 2009 9:49 pm

par84forme wrote:
Old Timer wrote:
You wouldn't dare Very Happy

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee!"- she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
funniest joke ever, lmao! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

right, par, less is more... we both know that too well, haha!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:17 am

HotParadox wrote:funniest joke ever, lmao! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

right, par, less is more... we both know that too well, haha!

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his privates.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still really hurts."
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:01 am

lmao... I got to start golfing. Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:11 pm

CarolinaHound wrote:lmao... I got to start golfing. Very Happy

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, 'My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!'

The second man said, 'My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.'

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, 'My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.'

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, 'We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?'

The fourth man replied, 'Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar.'

The other three men grew silent as he continued, 'I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.'
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:19 pm

CarolinaHound wrote:lmao... I got to start golfing. Very Happy
oh, please don't.

these are just jokes and the sport MUST remain classy. you must promise to never take up golfing. for you to do so, would forever darken this noble sport. Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:48 pm

HotParadox wrote:
CarolinaHound wrote:lmao... I got to start golfing. Very Happy
oh, please don't.

these are just jokes and the sport MUST remain classy. you must promise to never take up golfing. for you to do so, would forever darken this noble sport. Very Happy

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

Once again the bum replies, "No."

"Will you make bets at the golf course?"

Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf."

Will you go to a dance?

No I don't dance either.

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance."
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:23 pm

HotParadox wrote:funniest joke ever, lmao! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

right, par, less is more... we both know that too well, haha!

from the less is more collection.........


There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives.

One day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"

They both look at him and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"

She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:46 pm

your jokes are too funny! Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 4:05 pm

HotParadox wrote:your jokes are too funny! Very Happy

I warned you not to let me get started with golf jokes....here goes the last one for now......

A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him. "Would you like some food?" she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said"Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed Apr 29, 2009 4:11 pm

LOL cheers

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Apr 29, 2009 4:16 pm

HotParadox wrote:LOL cheers

sorry i couldn't resist one more.....................

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship.

They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."

The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Wed Apr 29, 2009 5:45 pm

HotParadox wrote:
CarolinaHound wrote:lmao... I got to start golfing. Very Happy
oh, please don't.

these are just jokes and the sport MUST remain classy. you must promise to never take up golfing. for you to do so, would forever darken this noble sport. Very Happy

Don't worry. Some friends talked me into going with them one time years ago. Second hole... I wacked the ball, couldn't find it in the sky... Heard a gooshy sounding crack and then a "OOOOOHHHHHHHhhhhh.....". Got my drunk butt back in the cart, left my friends and the old man with the knot on his head and never went back to a golf course. You can put a eye out with that game! pirat

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:54 pm

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Sat May 02, 2009 6:35 pm

Why do employers like Green Day so much?
It is the only day they can treat their employees like dirt and get away with it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat May 02, 2009 9:09 pm

true that. Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sun May 03, 2009 1:12 pm

HotParadox wrote:true that. Very Happy

Yeah and the rest of the year they just give ya fertilizer Razz

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue May 05, 2009 5:56 pm

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue May 05, 2009 6:09 pm

HotParadox wrote:true that. Very Happy
Why do employers treat their employees like mushrooms?
Because they like to keep you in the dark and feed you shit.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Mon May 11, 2009 7:34 pm

THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. Het let out a Snicker as his Butter Fingers went up her Juicy Fruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh' Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Mon May 11, 2009 8:18 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. Het let out a Snicker as his Butter Fingers went up her Juicy Fruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh' Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.

LMAO----this should be considered a classic.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Tue May 12, 2009 6:24 pm

"STRESS"

The confusion created when one's mind overides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it!!!
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Tue May 12, 2009 7:22 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. Het let out a Snicker as his Butter Fingers went up her Juicy Fruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh' Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.

can't believe that somehow; skor, kisses, junior mints, milk duds and kit kat (alot of ways to go with that one) did not make the list
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Tue May 12, 2009 7:34 pm

par84forme wrote:
Night-Reaper wrote:THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. Het let out a Snicker as his Butter Fingers went up her Juicy Fruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh' Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.

can't believe that somehow; skor, kisses, junior mints, milk duds and kit kat (alot of ways to go with that one) did not make the list

Not to mention Klondyke. Guess she's too cold though.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Tue May 12, 2009 7:37 pm

par84forme wrote:A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
hahaha! Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Peregrine(Endangered) on Tue May 12, 2009 7:46 pm

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue May 12, 2009 8:59 pm

Peregrine(Endangered) wrote:10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Now that is a given.



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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Wed May 27, 2009 5:37 pm

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Wed May 27, 2009 9:30 pm

Old Timer wrote:The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
who cares what you guys think?

_________________
"The preceding post is my personal opinion and may or may not be true, may or may not have been posted by me, and most likely contains nothing of interest to anyone."
~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed May 27, 2009 9:46 pm

Saw this on the 'other board' but it is hilarious.....

This is about an email I received titled "Easily Increase The Size of YOur Manhood By Several Inches"

It promised to increase my penis length although I am big enough already about 3 inches soft and 6 inches hard.

It is from the website:
http://www.uinpkjwo.cn/

I paid the $150 for three months but I don't see any difference.

My girlfriend threatened me if I don't grow at least an inch she will leave me and hook up with the UPS delivery guy or the Fed Ex guy. Since this crap product didn't work I took the batteries out of her vibrator and trashed them so now she has no working vibrator and I am out of my $150. I know she misses her vibrator in working condition but I plan on throwing it into the pond to get rid of it for good when she is away with her girlfriends.

All she does of late is play with her vibrator and Im sick of it.

I asked the company for my money back but they told me they would not refund it and it is my fault. They said I must not have taken their product the way they suggest but I know this is a lie.

This is a big dilemma and is a difficult issue to discuss.

I think the Better Business Bureau should know my penis is not any bigger and this claim from this website is a lie.

What do you think I should do?
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Wed May 27, 2009 10:19 pm



Could have been my wife. (except for that ironing, washing dishes and sweeping part)

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu May 28, 2009 10:43 am

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Thu May 28, 2009 12:37 pm

that's hilarious!

_________________
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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:17 am

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:39 am

brilliant! I love you

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"The preceding post is my personal opinion and may or may not be true, may or may not have been posted by me, and most likely contains nothing of interest to anyone."
~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

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