Heard a good one lately

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Sat Mar 27, 2010 10:50 pm

These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing
together every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on
the tee when the club pro walks up and tells them that there's a
woman who is golfing by herself and he asks if they would mind if
she played along with them. They thought about it and
reluctantly said "Sure, no problem."

They were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their game but once
they start playing they soon realize that she is a hell of a
golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she's
extremely attractive as well.

They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all
on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three
men,

"You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting
me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman.
This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my
appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to
make this putt, I'll have sex with you."

The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left
edge."

The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think
it's right edge."

The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the
woman and says, "It's a gimmie."
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:25 am

CONCERNS FOR BABY BOOMERS...
Then & Now
Submitted by SLgraber

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: You're growing a pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

~~~~~

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:03 pm

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:45 pm

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Wed Mar 31, 2010 4:38 pm

I don't believe these are true but this email has been floating around for a while

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm ....... bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ....... bored, not ....... stupid!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them... So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven..."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:28 pm

I don't have a problem with this. Personally, I think you guys do things way too fast. Very Happy

Using The ATM

Pull up to ATM...Then:

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:19 pm

lol, and that's exactly how women do it too. lmao!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:52 pm

Duh and what did I say-you guys are in tooo much of a rush and you think that's better? No way. Basketball

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:27 pm

HotParadox wrote:Duh and what did I say-you guys are in tooo much of a rush and you think that's better? No way. Basketball

But of course, our way is always better

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:05 pm

A small boy was lost at a large mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said " I've lost my grandpa". The cop asked "whats he like"? The little boy replied "Jack Daniels and women with big tits!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:06 pm

Night-Reaper wrote:A small boy was lost at a large mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said " I've lost my grandpa". The cop asked "whats he like"? The little boy replied "Jack Daniels and women with big tits!"
Oh, that's beautiful Very Happy

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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:27 pm

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.
One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter thinks for a minute and says, "You may enter but you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:44 pm

HotParadox wrote:Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.
One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter thinks for a minute and says, "You may enter but you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."


lol... funny... true too.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Sat Apr 17, 2010 6:07 pm

HotParadox wrote:Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.
One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter thinks for a minute and says, "You may enter but you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
LOL: Funny, good one HP!
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