Heard a good one lately

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Theophilus on Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:26 pm

AC those last posts were excellent.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Theophilus on Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:29 pm

What do you call a doctor who graduated last in his class?

A doctor.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sun Mar 15, 2009 12:44 am

Frankg wrote:The great Henny Youngman ladies and gentlemen....
all of those jokes were hilarious! Very Happy cheers

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Sun Mar 15, 2009 1:01 am

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Take off my skirt..."

Little Johnny takes off her skirt.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sun Mar 15, 2009 1:24 am

It was a hot summer day and this guy was being nagged by his wife to fix the screen door.
He couldn't take it anymore. So he cracks open a beer, gets his tools out and proceeds to fix the door.
Halfway through the job, he realizes he doesn't have a hinge, so he sends her to the hardware store to pick one up.
She gets to the store and the clerk asks the wife, "May I help, ma'am?"
"Yes," she says. "My husband is fixing our screen door and I need a hinge."
"Oh, no problem." he tells her.
He gets her the hinge and asks her, "Do you want a screw for that?"
"No," she says, "but I'll blow you for the toaster oven." Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Sun Mar 15, 2009 9:45 am

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service, and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Big Slick on Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:57 pm

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:43 pm

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:02 am

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service, and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Americanadian on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:52 am



You wouldn't buy our shitty cars
So we'll be taking your money anyway.

The Bailout. Coming this January.

You probably thought it was smart to buy a foreign import of superior quality, with better mileage and resale value. Maybe you even thought that years of market share loss might prod us into rethinking our process and redesigning our products with better quality in mind. But you forgot one thing: we spend a shitload of money on lobbyists. So now you're out $25 billion, plus the cost of your Subaru. Maybe next time you'll buy American like a real man. Either way, we’re cool.

We're the big three. We don't need to compete.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Susan aka CV on Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:37 am

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Very Happy

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Big Slick on Thu Mar 19, 2009 9:59 am

Susan, this one is for you.


A man accidently falls asleep at his secretary's house after a steamy afternoon of love making. He wakes up and realizes he should have been home hours ago and knows his wife is going to be pissed.

So he gets dressed, runs outside and covers his shoes in mud.

He gets home and his wife asks him where he's been all afternoon.

He bows his head and says, "Honey, I don't want to lie to you, I've been having an affair and I was at my secretary's house having sex."

She looks down at his shoes and yells, "You liar, you've been playing golf all afternoon, haven't you?"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by coontie on Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:10 am

Americanadian wrote:


You wouldn't buy our shitty cars
So we'll be taking your money anyway.

The Bailout. Coming this January.

You probably thought it was smart to buy a foreign import of superior quality, with better mileage and resale value. Maybe you even thought that years of market share loss might prod us into rethinking our process and redesigning our products with better quality in mind. But you forgot one thing: we spend a shitload of money on lobbyists. So now you're out $25 billion, plus the cost of your Subaru. Maybe next time you'll buy American like a real man. Either way, we’re cool.

We're the big three. We don't need to compete.


Ford Motor Company never accepted "bail-out" money. G.M. and Chrysler have - what's left of Chrysler.
G.M. got wise and stopped buidling the Hummer, which is just a 'Macho' car for males [and some females] that desire to TRY and make a statement about who they are, through their automobile.
Ford will come through and I think it would beehove Americans to rethink the products that they buy; foreign manufacture, v.s. domestic. After all it has been proven that there is really no thanks from other countries to us for providing them income through buying their products.
How can any compnay accomplish R&D to improve products when they has a economical short-fall due to people buying foreign made cars thich advertisement has led them to believe are superior, when they really aren't. And besides, the domestic plants these countries operate here; they give AMerican workers jobs but the largest portion of their profit goes back to the country of origin - doesn't remain and is spent here. As well, much of their raw materials and supplies are shipped in from their own country.
Communist China[yes, reminder that they still are, although subtle now, in that regard] has bought very little from us. Mainly, they would like as much of our 'cutting-edge' technology as they can lay their hands on. Legally, honestly, or otherwise. Then of course, they will use that to ever more intimidate and eventually take over the democratic countries, such as they have done to Tibet. In doing so, they gunned down, grenaded and mortared bare-handed resistors/protestotrs. THhse very Chinese troops armed and outfitted with money and materials gained from the free-world. In the meantime, we have over a Trillion dollar trade defecit with them. Probably much the same with England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia and New Zealand.
I am all for free-trade amongst nations but some sort of equalibility should be maintained.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by coontie on Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:18 am

We each very much make, create our own happiness. As well as sorrow and difficulties. Seldom, when examined closely, does it become obvious that others had some blame, especially in the originating of the circumstance.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:05 pm

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker Dude are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by par84forme on Thu Mar 19, 2009 4:30 pm

What did the dyslexic atheist say?.....................


"There is no dog"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:39 pm

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:04 pm

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida???"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Big Slick on Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:09 pm

so we're gonna do blondes now?

Why don't blondes play with vibrators?


It hurts their teeth.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:13 pm

An Avon lady after making her delivery to some offices on the top floor of a building gets on the elevator for the ride down. Suddenly she felt the need to release some gas. Since she was the only one on the elevator she did, then reached in her bag, pulled out a can of pine scented air freshener and sprayed it generously. She didn't want anyone who might get on to know what she had done.

The elevator slowed as she slide the air freshener into the bag. The doors opened and a biker and a couple other people stepped onto the elevator. The doors closed and she noticed the biker had his nose up and was sniffing as he looked around to find the source.

The Avon lady was quick and pulled air freshener from her Avon bag and said, "That's Avon's new pine scented air freshener. What do you think of it?"

The biker, a rough character, sniffed around a bit more and said, "Smells like somebody s**t a Christmas tree."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:15 pm

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he work on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Americanadian on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:25 pm

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Americanadian on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:25 pm

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Americanadian on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:50 pm

I can't seem to find the following joke anywhere on the internet so I'll do my best to recite it from memory. Here goes....



A man is enjoying a drink at his local watering hole when a friend of his whom he hasn't seen for a while walks in and orders a drink as well.

Man 1: " I haven't seen you for awhile man, where've you been?"
Man 2: "Oh I was in a motorcycle accident and they had to amputate my arm unfortunately."

Man 1: "Man, that's brutal! I'm sorry to hear that. How are you doing now with only one arm?"
Man 2: "Oh, not too bad since they gave me this prosthetic arm. It's even voice activated. All I have to do is tell it what to do and it responds."

Man 1: "No shit! Really? Show me how it works"
Man 2: "Prosthetic arm...pick up glass. Lift up 6 inches off counter....put back on counter."
The prosthetic arm does as commanded.

Man 1: "Whoah!! That's neat. What else can it do?"

The bartender brings the man with the prosthetic arm his drink.

Man 2: "Arm....pick up drink....put glass to lips....tilt back. Place drink back on counter."

Man 1: "Wow! That's the coolest!" He begins to look around the bar to invite other people over to check out this new phenomenon. "Come check this prosthetic arm out you guys!"

Man 2: "I gotta go take a leak, so that will have to wait."
Man 1: "Okay, we'll wait here 'till you get back."

The man with the prosthetic arm proceeds to the bathroom and walks up to the urinal.
"Arm...unzip pants." The arm proceeds to unzip his fly.
"Arm...remove penis from pants for urinating procedure."
The arm does as it's commanded and the man urinates.

When he is finished, "Arm...shake penis slightly." The arms gives it a little shake. "Hmm...that felt good. Arm....shake penis again." The arm shakes it again with a little more enthusiasm.

The man takes a look around the bathroom to see if anyone is present. Seeing that there isn't a soul to be found, he's relieved.
"Arm...jerk off penis."
The arm then rips the man's penis clear off!

The man cannot believe it. In shock, pain and astonishment he screams,
"AARRGHHHH...FUCK ME!!!!!"
The arm then takes the severed penis and begins to ram it up his ass.

Again, the man in pain and shock he screams again,
"ARRGHHH...COCKSUCKER!!!"
The arm then stuffs the penis in his mouth.

Man passes out....
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:36 pm

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at eac other and shook thei heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Susan aka CV on Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:17 pm

Big Slick wrote:Susan, this one is for you.


A man accidently falls asleep at his secretary's house after a steamy afternoon of love making. He wakes up and realizes he should have been home hours ago and knows his wife is going to be pissed.

So he gets dressed, runs outside and covers his shoes in mud.

He gets home and his wife asks him where he's been all afternoon.

He bows his head and says, "Honey, I don't want to lie to you, I've been having an affair and I was at my secretary's house having sex."

She looks down at his shoes and yells, "You liar, you've been playing golf all afternoon, haven't you?"
lol... good one slick Very Happy

not to worry though... this guy WILL get caught.. you can count on that! Wink

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:34 pm

One day three mothers-a beautiful brunette, a gorgeous redhead and a blonde-decide to go through their teenage daughters' purses.

The beautiful brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

Then the gorgeous redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

Finally, it's the blonde's turn and she finds a condom. "Oh my god", she screams, "I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

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~Kazza, a very smart man that covered all the angles with this one. I like it.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Susan aka CV on Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:39 pm

omg... this is sooooooo funny! Laughing



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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by HotParadox on Mon Mar 23, 2009 7:31 pm

Joe and Bob are hunting buddies. They're prepping for the season and decide to target shoot in Joe's backyard. Joe neglects to tell Bob that he has two pet rabbits and by mistake Bob kills both the rabbits. Bob feels just terrible and offers to take the rabbits to a taxidermist friend and have the rabbits preserved, as a goodwill gesture to his friend Joe. They bring the rabbits to the taxidermist, who listens to the sad story and feels just awful for poor Joe and for Bob, too.
The taxidermist asks Joe, in a comforting voice, "Joe, would you like your rabbits mounted together?"
"No", Joe sobs, "just shaking hands will be fine."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Night-Reaper on Wed Mar 25, 2009 6:41 pm

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommened that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Prease, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of the room".

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did..

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!!!"
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Terry05_99 on Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:43 pm

Women walks into a drug store and approaches the man behind the counter. She says "I need something for my husband who has a hard time, well ummm staying hard, what can you suggest?" The man without hesitation suggest viagra, claims it works well for him. The women ask "can you get it over the counter?" The man looks at her, smiles and says "if I take two I can!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Terry05_99 on Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:55 pm

Man come in and sits at the bar, orders a drink and then looks down to the other end of the bar.

There a man sits drinking a beer, and directly in front of him on the counter is a miniture man about 12" tall, playing a miniture piano.

The man remarks how incredible the little guy plays and ask where he got him from?

"Well there a genie out back, gives you one wish"

So the man runs out into the alley, and sure enough there is a genie. She informs him he gets on wish and one only.

Well he says, I wish I had a million bucks! Just then a million ducks fly over head. "no, no...I said a million BUCKS!!! Genie says Im sorry but you only get on wish.

So the man goes back inside and continues drinking his beer. The man at the other end asked, "did you find the genie? "yes i did, but I tell you she is hard of hearing"

The man say, no kidding, what do you think, I asked for a 12" pianist?

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Thu Mar 26, 2009 12:58 pm

A woman (of pigmentally challenged hair color) visits her doctor.
She tells the Dr. she has terrible pains. Dr. asks where, and she says she hurts all over her body. He asks where, exactly it hurts. She demonstrates by touching various parts of her body: knee, stomach, chin, arm, etc, exclaiming "ouch" each time, nearly in tears. The Dr. examines her,. She asks if it is serious, and would she need surgery. Dr. says, "No. I think we can treat this with a splint and some Tylenol. Your finger is broken."

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by DM007 on Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:05 pm

Two young ladies are standing on a sidewalk in a southern town. A man approaches, and asks if he can take their photograph. The girls look at each other, then agree. The man takes out his large, sophisticated looking camera and takes several seconds making adjustments.
One girl asks the other, "What's he doin'?".
She says, "I think he's gonna focus."
The other replies, "You mean, bofus?"

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:56 pm

The only way for the Coopers to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:29 pm

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the

telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Big Slick on Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:03 am

A little bird decided one winter that he would try and stick it out this year. After a while though he started getting pretty cold and realized he had made a mistake so he started flying south. As he was flying ice began to form on his wings which weighted him down and he fell to the ground.

Freezing and hungry the little bird thought this was the end of him.

Just as he was losing all hope, a cow strolled by and shit all over him.

As the warm manure thawed the little bird he began to loosen up and began singing.

About that time a cat strolled and heard the singing. The cat dug the little bird out of the manure and promptly ate him.

Moral of the story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy and every one who gets you out of that shit is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Old Timer on Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:35 pm

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!



If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things we re. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone cause that's how we rolled dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collection agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video
games with high-resolution 3 -D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You, kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You, guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by CarolinaHound on Thu Apr 02, 2009 9:08 pm

Old Timer wrote:THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!



If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things we re. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone cause that's how we rolled dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collection agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video
games with high-resolution 3 -D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You, kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You, guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Our parents didn't buy us helments and pads for riding our bikes and skatebords either. If you wiped out, you bled, and learned not to fall. And even the teachers were allowed to beat you. No escape what so ever.

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Re: Heard a good one lately

Post by Big Slick on Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:56 am

CarolinaHound wrote:Our parents didn't buy us helments and pads for riding our bikes and skatebords either. If you wiped out, you bled, and learned not to fall. And even the teachers were allowed to beat you. No escape what so ever.

And we kept score in our pee-wee games. If you lost you knew it, and your coach reminded you by running laps at the next practice.
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Re: Heard a good one lately

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