Heard a good one lately

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned
by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

lmao, Im gonna need to see some photos of Aunty Gina!!

This is just to good not to post.


Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Hehe, thats a good one too.

Old Timer wrote:This is just to good not to post.


Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Uh-ohhhh....trouble's a'brewing...

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

I recently read that drinking is bad for your health so I gave up reading

Frankg wrote:I recently read that drinking is bad for your health so I gave up reading

Funniest post ever! LOL.

I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

The great Henny Youngman ladies and gentlemen....

I'm on the whisky diet, I've lost three days already!

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against,
among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the 24
cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would
insure them against fire, without defining what is onsidered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the
ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS.

Another example of the insanity that has consumed the country. And then, people question why we went bust!

My thanks to HP for this one.

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

----------------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

---------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

---------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church, so ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---------------------------------------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.

------------------------------------------------ ---------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------- ------ -----------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

---------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

A man goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, "sir, I am going to need to do some tests, so I will need samples of your; blood, sperm, urine, and feces."

And the guy says..."look doc, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could I just leave my underware?"

THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE:

DOCTOR...Because he says-
"Take off all your clothes!"

DENTIST...Because he says-
"Open wide!"

MILKMAN...Because he says-
"Do you want it in the front or back?"

HAIRDRESSER...Because he says-
"Do you want it teased or blown?"

INTERIOR DECORATOR...Because he says-
"Once It's in you'll love it!"

BANKER...Because he says-
"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

jigglepete wrote:A man goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, "sir, I am going to need to do some tests, so I will need samples of your; blood, sperm, urine, and feces."

And the guy says..."look doc, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could I just leave my underware?"

ROTFLMAO!!

Four Animals

A woman only need four animals in her life.

1. A mink on her back

2. A Jaguar in the garage

3. A tiger in her bed

AND

4. A jackass to pay for it all.

Old Timer wrote:Four Animals

A woman only need four animals in her life.

1. A mink on her back

2. A Jaguar in the garage

3. A tiger in her bed

AND

4. A jackass to pay for it all.

hahahaha. Aint that the truth......

luciano wrote:

Old Timer wrote:Four Animals

A woman only need four animals in her life.

1. A mink on her back

2. A Jaguar in the garage

3. A tiger in her bed

AND

4. A jackass to pay for it all.

hahahaha. Aint that the truth......

Yep, it sure is and now I will probably catch it from HP for sure now.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's
Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell
me how a patient is
doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help,
dear. What's the name and room
number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold
> while I check with her
nurse

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the
phone and said, 'Oh, I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came
back as normal, and
Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's
wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good
news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than
welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay
in 302. No one tells me sh*t.'

'All American Diner'
breakfast special

"try our octomom"
8 eggs
no sausage
and the guy next to you pays for it

Susan aka CV wrote:'All American Diner'
breakfast special

"try our octomom"
8 eggs
no sausage
and the guy next to you pays for it

ROFL!

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:

Virginity like bubble,
one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car
get tired.

Man who run behind car
get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport
turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth!

War does not determine who is right,
war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet
is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.

Man who farts in church
sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different
to a midget.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

So I bought her a scale.

Man asked God, ''Why did you make women so pretty?''- So you well love them my son
'Why do they smell so good?'' - So you well love them my son
''Why did you make them so stupid?'' - So they well love you my son

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last
one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and
said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case ,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept
thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, "Danny
did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks,

And yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any ? We had a female
news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they

were laughing so hard!

The F-Word

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

No knickers

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

Par for this hole

A couple was on their honeymoon
, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some
food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"