A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum!

by **catch-22** Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:58 am

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed
200,000 prisoners .'

by **CarolinaHound** Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:10 pm

that was good.

by jigglepete Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:12 pm

Hahahahaha

That was AWsome catch-!!

by **HotParadox** Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:24 pm

I rarely laugh at a joke during, just at the punch line. This was a brilliant exception. Very Happy

So good to have you here C! I love you

by **catch-22** Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:36 pm

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all dat way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.'

by **HotParadox** Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:44 pm

Brilliant! You've even spelled out the accent so it sounds just right ("Jeysus" ), lol! Love Paddy jokes!

by **Old Timer** Sat Jan 17, 2009 3:04 pm

NEGATIVE PEOPLE

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her
husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded;

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further! I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.

He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of American's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

by **catch-22** Mon Jan 19, 2009 8:34 am

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--John Howard, PM Australia.
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
--Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'

--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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My pick of the crop!
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

by **HotParadox** Mon Jan 19, 2009 9:22 am

Too funny you guys!

Here's one to watch. If I copied and pasted her speech, you'd think I had made it up!

by **Old Timer** Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:34 am

And blondes wonder why we come up with so many dumb blond jokes. Very Happy

by **Old Timer** Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:12 pm

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting , ' Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small , so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I 'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

by **Old Timer** Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:34 pm

AND SOME MORE GOOD STUFF.

THIS IS GREAT... ENJOY

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was :

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted.' What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child. 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was

'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me......'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

by **catch-22** Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:39 am

Old Timer wrote:
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was

'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

That is great!
I wish my players had that attitude when I was a coach! Crying or Very sad

by **Old Timer** Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:29 am

It's that time of year to take our
annual senior citizen test
Exercise of the brain is as important
as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep
mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very
private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take
the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. No need to write
down the answer.

1. What do you
put in a toaster?

Answer:
"bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five
times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If
you said "milk," don't attempt the next question Your brain is
over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a
more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said
"water", proceed to question 3.

< BR>

3. If a red
house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue
bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made
from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still
reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty
years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will
recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into
West
Germany and
East
Germany .) Anyway, during
the flight, two engines fail. The pil ot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and
the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land"
between East
Germany and
West
Germany . Where would you
bury the survivors?
East
Germany ,
West
Germany , or "no man's
land"?

Answer: You don't bury
survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you
must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the
next question

5. Without using a calculator - You
are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in
Wales . In
London , 17 people get on
the bus. In Reading , six people get
off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon , two people get
off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off
and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get
off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and
three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the
name of the bus driver?

Answer:
Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It
was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all
your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the
questions!!

by Big Slick Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:12 pm

Not sure if this is the video that HP posted (I can't see it) so forgive me if I'm repeating.

This was Miss Teen South Carolina

At the 2007 Miss Teen USA Pageant, Miss Teen South Carolina was asked why one fifth of Americans can't locate the USA on a world map. She replied...

"I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education like such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." --

You'll probably have to read it twice.

by **Old Timer** Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:20 pm

Read it three times and laughed each time. Yep it is the same as the video but this time you can actually see what she said and really wonder how many tims she flunked sandbox in kindergarten

by **Peregrine(Endangered)** Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:14 pm

HotParadox wrote:Too funny you guys!

Here's one to watch. If I copied and pasted her speech, you'd think I had made it up!

I almost wish you had made it up...If that had been me..my first stop on the way home would be to pick up some clariol hair color: Brown maybe!!!!

by Theophilus Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:09 pm

This is most likely not a true story. Or at least I hope it is not true. I heard this years ago on coast to coast radio.

A man and his friend decide to go ice fishing. He brings his dog with him. He decides to drive the brand new SUV to the frozen lake. They drive the SUV onto the frozen lake. They don't have the proper equipment to drill a hole into the ice. What they do have is a stick of dynamite. So they light the stick of dynamite and throw it to a far point on the frozen lake. Needless to say the dog chases after the stick of dynamite. The two people start yelling at the dog. The dog is now confused and runs underneath the SUV.

I don't think I have to continue the story beyond this.

by **Old Timer** Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:22 pm

So what happened?? Well, somebody had to ask didn't they???? lol!

by **HotParadox** Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:25 pm

Peregrine wrote:
HotParadox wrote:Too funny you guys!

Here's one to watch. If I copied and pasted her speech, you'd think I had made it up!

I almost wish you had made it up...If that had been me..my first stop on the way home would be to pick up some clariol hair color: Brown maybe!!!!

That's so true, P, and sooo funny! Very Happy

by **HotParadox** Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:34 pm

Big Slick wrote:Not sure if this is the video that HP posted (I can't see it) so forgive me if I'm repeating.

This was Miss Teen South Carolina

At the 2007 Miss Teen USA Pageant, Miss Teen South Carolina was asked why one fifth of Americans can't locate the USA on a world map. She replied...

"I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education like such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." --

You'll probably have to read it twice.

Ya, Slick this is the same chick that I posted in the video, the blond chick. And I'm fairly certain that in this blond's case, the drapes match the rug. Very Happy

by Theophilus Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:42 pm

Old Timer wrote:So what happened?? Well, somebody had to ask didn't they????

Well now that you asked. The dynamite exploded killing the dog, and breaking a whole in the ice that sunk the SUV. Also the new SUV belonged to his wife. You can only imagine the conversation once he got home. Um honey...........

by **Old Timer** Sat Jan 24, 2009 2:02 pm

Well now you got my curiosity up again. I'll bite. what did he/she say, and when did he get out of he hospital?????? Laughing

by Theophilus Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:19 pm

Old Timer wrote:Well now you got my curiosity up again. I'll bite. what did he/she say, and when did he get out of he hospital??????

I did not hear anything in the story to suggest the two people were hurt as far as I know. The dog well.....................

If this is true it would have to go down as one of biggest non political blunders of all time.

Also I don't know what the wife said. Though you can imagine it could not have been good.

Probably something like this. YOU DID WHAT?! You edit stupid idiot, and so on.

Very Happy

by **Old Timer** Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:22 pm

I would never have admited to it. Very Happy

by Theophilus Sat Jan 24, 2009 4:03 pm

Old Timer wrote:I would never have admited to it.

How would you explain the missing SUV? Oh yeah, and the missing dog.

by **Old Timer** Sat Jan 24, 2009 4:11 pm

I was car jacked and the dog was in the car.

by **catch-22** Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:24 am

A Scottish breath tester!

by **HotParadox** Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:07 am

Too funny C! Very Happy

I'm putting in a request C: More Paddy jokes!!! cheers

by **catch-22** Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:47 am

HotParadox wrote:Too funny C!

I'm putting in a request C: More Paddy jokes!!!

Your wish is my command.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

***************************************

An Irishman goes to a carpenter. "Oyd loik ya ta build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?"

"It's loik dis ya see" said the Irishman, "Me neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."

***************************************

Mick and Paddy were walking to the pub when Mick stopped at the window of the local employment exchange and saw a sign that read "tree fellers wanted".

He turned to Paddy and said.."Ah, It's a pity Seamus isn't here, Paddy, we moight 'ave 'ad a chance at dat job!"

***************************************

Poor Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Mick and Seamus were sent for.

Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. It's too hard to tell, roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Mick in to identify the body. Mick took a look at him and said, "Hard to tell, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Mick looked down and said, "Nope,it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked,"How can you tell?" Mick said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes......

Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy wit dem two arseholes...."

by **HotParadox** Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:02 am

Awesome!!! But C...
....please tell me Paddy is alive and well!!! Suspect

by **catch-22** Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:05 am

HotParadox wrote:Awesome!!! But C...
....please tell me Paddy is alive and well!!!

Sadly, he is gone! Crying or Very sad

But his two arseholes are still alive and well! Laughing

by **HotParadox** Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:18 am

catch-22 wrote:
HotParadox wrote:Awesome!!! But C...
....please tell me Paddy is alive and well!!!
Sadly, he is gone!

But his two arseholes are still alive and well!

Bummer.

Hey, C...since you are the Paddy wiz, and a techy geek Very Happy

, could you/would you bring him back from the dead? You know, give him life, like you do with lifeless computers? I love you

by **Old Timer** Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:12 pm

The funniest thing I have ever read about stupidity

ONLY A MAN ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
.
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n+ts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

by **catch-22** Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:38 am

HotParadox wrote:
catch-22 wrote:
HotParadox wrote:Awesome!!! But C...
....please tell me Paddy is alive and well!!!
Sadly, he is gone!

But his two arseholes are still alive and well!
Bummer.

Hey, C...since you are the Paddy wiz, and a techy geek , could you/would you bring him back from the dead? You know, give him life, like you do with lifeless computers?

Seeing as you asked me so nicely, I will bring him back. Just remenber, he is badly burnt so don't expect him to look like Kenneth Branagh or Liam Neeson! Be right back........................................

........There you go, here's a recent picture for you. Best I could do, sorry!

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum! DSC00382

by **catch-22** Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:41 am

Paddy and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea paddy yelled: "Mick, Mick! Oi've lost one of me fingers!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you come to be doin' that?" Enquired Mick. "Oi just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn and begora! There goes another one!"

by **catch-22** Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:50 am

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were up before the firing squad.
Noticing how nervous the squad were, they hit upon the idea of giving them a shock to put them off their aim.
"Flood!" yelled the Scotsman, and the soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away.
"Earthquake!" shouted the Englishman, and again the soldiers fled.
Then it was Paddy's turn."FIRE!" he yelled.

Damn! I just killed Paddy again, didn't I? Shocked

by **catch-22** Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:01 am

Old Timer wrote:The funniest thing I have ever read about stupidity

ONLY A MAN ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
.
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n+ts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

OT, it took me a full 10 minutes to read that! It's really hard to read with tears streaming down your face and I think I nearly pissed my pants 3 times!

Best ever!

by **HotParadox** Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:06 pm

Old Timer wrote:The funniest thing I have ever read about stupidity

ONLY A MAN ATTEMPT THIS ....

This is so funny, OT!
I'm gonna send it to every smart guy I know ...and their better halves will get a copy, too! hahaha!

by **HotParadox** Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:14 pm

catch-22 wrote:Seeing as you asked me so nicely, I will bring him back. Just remenber, he is badly burnt so don't expect him to look like Kenneth Branagh or Liam Neeson! Be right back........................................

........There you go, here's a recent picture for you. Best I could do, sorry!

How can I ever thank you enough, C? I love Paddy. He makes me smile and giggle every time I read his stories.
P.S. He's awfully cute. I love you

P.P.S Love, love the two PaddyTales today.
See... if you didn't save him, I don't know if I'd be smiling right now. Very Happy

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