Re: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum!

[catch-22]

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration,
hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

I concentrate on solutions for the problems. I should be President!

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?

Think about these ones:
1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E TEN C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians....It creates a hostile work environment

[HotParadox]

Mad funny post! Giving each illegal alien a cow so they can be tracked-hysterical! You should be President, C! And get Paddy as your VP and his cronies as your cabinet. You guys would rock this place.

[Old Timer]

I nominate you for the Secretary of State my dear HP

[HotParadox]

I nominate you for the Secretary of State my dear HP

I don't think I would win, OT, but you certainly are a dear friend.

Where is your better half? Tell her I have added new girlie recipes!

[Old Timer]

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations.

The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have n o ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a pr esident to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. ; ; The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by pr esent facts - - of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people,

it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems!!!

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the be lief that t here exists disembodied mystical forces like 'the economy,' 'inflation,' or 'politics' that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

[catch-22]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ..........

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You're listening to your I-pod!

[Old Timer]

MY FIRST TIME----



It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...



NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

[HotParadox]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don 't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don 't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Old Timer]

Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[catch-22]

A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?' .

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

[Old Timer]

Sometnhing to be thankful for.


I AM THANKFUL FOR.......







THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.


FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT OUT ON THE STREETS.


FOR THE TAXES I HAVE TO PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE A JOB!!



FOR THE MESS I HAVE TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM
SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.


FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.



FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE



FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A PLACE TO CALL HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE STILL HAVE 'FREEDOM OF SPEECH'.


FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT


BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING, AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH A MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION .


FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.


FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY

BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.



FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.



FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM QUITE
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.



FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM VERY MUCH ALIVE.


AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL

........ IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.



SHARE THIS WITH SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. I JUST DID.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

[catch-22]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl thinks for a second, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers....
"Well.........I weally don't fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

[catch-22]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"

[catch-22]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "Oy've had enough of dis". He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "Oy've put the dog in our yard . Let's see how THEY fookin' like it !"

[CarolinaHound]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"

[CarolinaHound]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that`s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It`s a condom.."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

[catch-22]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"

That was good! Can you do Pluto?

[CarolinaHound]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.

The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ...
brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about
to receive, I am truly thankful"

[CarolinaHound]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"

That was good! Can you do Pluto?

Nope, but if my ears were bigger I could do dumbo.

[Old Timer]

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
Glad to see they have their priorities straight.

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Do they look different reversed?

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
A brick?

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
All of a sudden 'going blind'doesn't seem so bad.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.
Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Ah! Justice!

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
But of course!

In Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
Makes one shudder at the thought.

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Who volunteers for this stuff?

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Is that why Flipper was always smiling?

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of what? Did the government pay for this research?

Butterflies taste with their feet.
Ah, geez

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
I know some people like that.

Starfish don't have brains.
I know some people like that, too

And, the best for last - Turtles can breathe through their butts.
And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!

[HotParadox]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Old Timer]

The Indian and the Buffalo

Truer words have NEVER EVER been spoken any where any time






An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:





'Want coffee.'



The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'


He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter





'Want coffee.'



The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'




The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

! ;

'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.

[Old Timer]

(

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Phil Key,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
his behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against Mr. Key are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they would bring pillows and Blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department,he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least;

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


This is too funny NOT to share.

[HotParadox]

i can't get enough of paddy. this is when i really miss catch. he started the whole paddy thing.

*******************************

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Sir Bonvolio]

i can't get enough of paddy. this is when i really miss catch. he started the whole paddy thing.

*******************************

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Hahahahahaha! Racist Irish jokes

Btw, there are 14 commandments, not ten.

[HotParadox]

there are? do tell...

[Sir Bonvolio]

there are? do tell...

Gladly

There are 613 commandments in the Bible. In the list of commandments that were given to Moses, there were 14 different commandments, as listed in the books of Exodus (in particular Chapter 20) and Deuteronomy. Other commandments are listed throughout Exodus. Less well known commandments include, "You shall not suffer a witch to live", "You shall never vex a stranger" and "Whosoever lies with a beast shall be surely put to death".

I love that one

If you remember the story of Moses coming down from mount Sinai, he had two stone tablets. Upon finding the people worshipping the golden calf, he dropped one. Then he had everyone killed, ground down the calf and made earrings(if memory serves) etc.

[HotParadox]

lol

just for that you deserve more paddy.


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

lol

just for that you deserve more paddy.


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Haha, love it!

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